Conflict Resolution
Bob Kallus, M.S., LMFT
Conflict is an inevitable part of life in our imperfect, complex and - from the Christian perspective - fallen world.
Our first three Parent Workshops on the subjects of Communication, Stress Management and Anger Management lead up to the granddaddy of them all: Conflict Resolution.
The quality of parenting is related to the quality of the marital relationship, and it stands to reason that a troubled couple is often incapable of providing the stability and consistency that a united, loving couple can provide. Now, one of the most accurate predictors of marital failure is habitual and dysfunctional avoidance of conflict. So, to help ensure stability and security, the family, led by the parents, must figure out how to handle conflict effectively.
This is not a cut-and-dried topic, and there are no simple answers. But we can give you some thoughts about what to do and what not to do, in order to set the stage for healthy conflict resolution.
Shark, Turtle, Teddy Bear, Fox and Owl – Which One Are You?
In our Conflict Resolution workshop, we have a little fun by having our participants identify their approaches to conflict, using animal symbols. The Shark cares nothing about relationships, but will do anything to win. The Turtle waits till the storm passes before coming out of his shell. The warm and fuzzy Teddy Bear just wants to get along. The Fox is a deal-maker – ‘you give a little, I’ll give a little, and we’ll work this out’; but not much progress in strengthening the relationship. Finally, the wise old Owl symbolizes the person who wants a win-win situation: we all meet our goals, and also preserve our relationships. That’s what we’re after. Which of these are you? Do you ever change roles, depending on who you’re fighting with? For example, someone may be a shark in most situations, but when faced with a tougher adversary, may want to make a deal, so he “morphs” into a Fox, or pretends to be a Teddy Bear.
How to Mismanage Conflict – A Brief and Partial Listing
- Criticize the other person – humiliate, accuse, blame and label, for a start
- Shut down; give them the silent treatment
- When someone expresses displeasure, get defensive; counter-attack
- Assume and jump to conclusions about the other person’s behavior, speech or motives
- React impulsively to irritating situations based on your memory of past hurts, instead of taking the current situation on its own merits.
- Refuse to listen and be as stubborn and rigid as you want to be
- Manipulate; push their buttons, bully, guilt-trip and gossip, to mention just a handful
- Obsess about the past or the future – or to shift between the two – and ignore what’s happening right now.
- Use disrespectful behaviors – shout, curse, throw and break things, run away
- Draw others into your mess
- Deny, deny, deny
Strong relationships demand trust, and building trust takes time. You can destroy that trust abruptly: adultery or committing a felony will do nicely. Or you can do it gradually: let the trust be eaten away over a period of years. Whether it’s abrupt or gradual, one of the surest ways to destroy a relationship over a period of time is to mismanage conflict.
How to get it right
- See yourself clearly. See yourself as God sees you. Adopt a fresh view of yourself and believe that you can change old habits, especially the childish ones we learned on the schoolyard – do the aggravating habits mentioned above sound like what you might have done during 2nd grade recess?
- Look at each of the above habits, and do the opposite
- Educate yourself about what promotes conflict and what heals it.
- Don’t do this alone. Get feedback. If necessary, get professional help.
Folks, you don’t need a complete personality makeover! People from all walks of life have learned to improve their way of handling conflict, just by learning a few new skills. They’ve gotten up the courage to accept their shortcomings, see themselves honestly, and be strongly motivated to change.
Anyone can change with the proper motivation and the conviction that change is possible for them. Belief and hope are the keys.
We can help. The fourth in our series of Parent Workshops addresses conflict. Please feel free to contact us directly for information, or if we can help in any other way.
Bob Kallus is the Director of the Shults-Lewis Family Institute.
He can be reached at bobkallus@shultslewis.org or at (219)462-0513, ext.261
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