Stress Management
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Stress Management
Bob Kallus, M.S., LMFT
Here is some food for thought about the impact of stress on family relationships.
Stress is unavoidable.
Where there is life, there is stress. The saying that only two things in life are certain - death and taxes – might just as well include “stress”. Every aspect of life – even the areas that bring happiness: marriage, status, monetary riches, etc. - can be sources of stress.
Outside stressors impact family relationships.
Not every family problem is about you. Think about the other person. The person who’s “stressing you out” isn’t just a son, spouse, sibling or grandparent. His or her unique personality and experiences that have determined his/her behavior and views. And currently, the world around and inside him/her - work or school stressors; physical and mental health; other relationships; lifestyle – is affecting him/her, too. Of course, this applies to us, as well.
In our daily lives, from time to time, we might all take a nearsighted view of a family problem. We see “through a glass darkly”, [1 Corinthians 13:12]. We wonder, “What’s wrong with him? Why won’t he talk to me? … What’s her problem? I work twice as hard and am under more pressure! She has no right to complain… My parents are stupid; they’ll never understand me. I hate them!” We see only our own interests – like tunnel vision - and are easily offended. But taking things personally solves nothing and aggravates problems.
If you stubbornly hold on to the narrow view, good luck! You’ll find yourself wondering why you feel stuck. Step back, and look for the larger view. Ask yourself, “Am I responsible for my husband’s isolation? Is this about me?” … “Is my wife ‘over-spending’ for revenge on me? She grew up poor; is that it?” “Is my dad drinking too much because he hates mom? Or is there something else going on?”
Also, we’ll be wise to understand how stress impacts the part we play in family problems. It takes humility, honesty and courage to admit our part graciously and without defensiveness. If that’s hard to do, that may mean your family environment doesn’t feel like a safe place to open up. And that’s another problem.
Stress itself is not the problem; our mishandling of it is the problem.
The human race has developed the most amazing ways of mishandling stress.
“Someone’s to blame! Who?”
“We want answers. We demand an explanation!”
“Don’t look at me!”
“Wake me when it’s over.”
“Others have it much worse.”
“No one’s going to push me around.”
“No one’s going to push me around” is a way of denying that you’ve been beat, and denying our helplessness aggravates the impact of stressors. Addicts in recovery know this. Their first step is to accept their powerlessness over their addiction, and that they need help. They use the “Serenity” prayer:
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Some Tips on Stress Management
Laugh daily – big belly laughs - especially at yourself.
Get organized - simplify your life.
Nurture Yourself – get good sleep; sleep deprivation is an epidemic today.
Eat wholesome foods and avoid excesses, especially caffeine and sweets - listen to music, do things you enjoy.
Express gratitude for three things daily. You can’t be grateful and worry at the same time.
Pray, meditate, find time for silence and stillness daily, even if it’s just a few minutes.
Parents: lead your children by example. Manage your stress effectively, and enjoy your children’s reactions.
Our second Parenting Workshop covers stress management. Ask your church leader about it, or feel free to contact us directly.
Bob Kallus is the Director of the Shults-Lewis Family Institute.
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