Anger Management
Anger Management
Bob Kallus, M.S., LMFT
Anger hurts. Studies have shown that mismanaged anger can aggravate existing health problems, like high blood pressure, and can increase the risk of heart attack and stroke.
Here are a few thoughts on handling anger effectively; that is, in a way that promotes self-esteem, health, and open communication.
I’ve heard people talk about anger in various ways: “I don’t like feeling angry… It’s a frightening part of me… It’s good; it keeps people away… I’ve never been allowed to get angry… It’s scary coming from others… It’s spiritually wrong… I blow up: it’s the way I am, get over it.” What about you? What does anger mean to you?
Ephesians 4:26-27: "In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” (NIV)
Scripture is clear: it’s not sinful to be angry, but surely we sin when our handling of anger offends God or people. For example, holding grudges, refusing to forgive, that is sin. Taking revenge is sin. Blaming, accusing, threatening, physical violence in anger are sin.
Now, try this on for size: is it sinful to lie to ourselves or others by masking or denying angry feelings, so that we never express them? If this has become your habit, how has it affected you and others?
Unless you are in a small minority of individuals who’ve lost touch with reality, a feeling should never be denied outright; the healthy way is to admit and deal with it openly. If you have questions, you may want a reality check from a trusted friend, to confirm whether you’re minimizing or dramatizing a situation.
We can say there are two parts to the experience of anger: Processing and Expression.
Processing – the Thinking and Feeling Part
This involves looking at two aspects of a problematic situation:
1) The “trigger” that activated the anger. What happened? How and why did it happen? What were the consequences? Who’s responsible… and for what? How can the problem be prevented?
2) What happens inside us when we feel anger. We examine the following: a) our physical sensations b) our emotions c) our behaviors d) our thoughts, which normally show up in our self-talk - the things we say to ourselves.
If we want to seek lasting change, we may choose to explore the meaning of an angry episode: what does my way of handling anger say about me, about who I am? For example, if I always hold back, does that mean I’m a coward? If I can’t control my temper, am I an animal? Am I immature? Is something wrong? Improved self-awareness guided by the unfailing counsel of the Holy Spirit will give us the courage to see ourselves honestly, and to change for the better.
Expression - the Behaving Part
Most people operate between two extremes: Holding back the emotion (Stuffing) and giving full vent to it (Exploding). Both are harmful (and the Bible might say, sinful). To make a habit of stuffing is sinful, because it’s dishonest, even though in some situations withholding expression of anger is the wise choice, as indicated in several Proverbs. The Proverbs also teach that it’s foolish to give full vent to anger. Equally, it’s not useful to hold back anger, only to let it explode later.
Stuffers: Get Real! If you hold back anger when you need to express it, why is that? Fear of harming others? Fear of retribution? Feelings of powerlessness? Or have you been trained to believe that it’s just wrong? Whatever it might be, it could be hurting you.
Exploders: Lengthen the fuse. “People with a short fuse live in the dark.” Don’t sit in the dark. Lighten up!Easier said than done? Of course; isn’t it always? But with practice you can learn how.
Find a creative, active outlet, like sports or art, to channel anger constructively. Chop wood, jog, sing loudly in the shower, write a colorful poem about the object of your anger. You know, you’re allowed to use your God-given creativity.
Make it harder for anger to control you by practicing a daily relaxing regimen of prayer, meditation, or just sitting quietly, exercise or stretching movements, listening to soft music, reading inspirational words, seeking the positive in others, laughing heartily, and replacing negativity with gratitude and compassion. The idea is to change your arousal threshold: to raise the bar, so that minor irritations don’t trigger anger, and so that you can begin to take charge, instead of letting anger control you.
The third in our series of Parent Workshops addresses anger management. Please feel free to contact us directly for information, or if we can help in any way.
Bob Kallus is the Director of the Shults-Lewis Family Institute.
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