Communication
Improve Your Communication Skills
Bob Kallus, M.S., LMFT
Think back to your childhood. Did your parents’ behavior, emotions and attitudes have any impact on you? Right. Now that you’re the parents, the same rule applies: your behavior, speech, emotions and attitudes communicate powerful messages to your children.
A Few Facts about Communication
Children are always watching their parents. So, you always make a difference, especially during a conflict. You have more influence than you think you do.
Even in the happiest of families, parents are not always aware of the connection between their behavior, attitudes and emotions, and those of their kids.
In relationships body language accounts for a much greater percentage of our communication than the words we use. Also, the impact of our demeanor – which we’re not always aware of – surpasses the power of words. Remember, “If looks could kill….” and “A picture is worth a thousand words.” Most noticeably during a relationship crisis an inflammatory look or gesture can turn a small conflict into a blow-up.
When our kids misbehave, how do we respond?
If your child repeatedly defies or manipulates you, what messages do you in turn send to your child? Have you ever told yourself, “I can’t handle this! It doesn’t matter what I say or do, it just goes in one ear and out the other.” Sure, your kids know how to push your buttons; but you may be pushing theirs, too, without being aware of it.
Join the club.
You’re not alone; this is a common pattern, and your frustration is understandable; but look at the wording of the message you’re giving yourself. “It doesn’t matter what I say or do…” The point is that it’s not about ‘what’ you say or do, but, rather, ‘how’ you say and do it.
Take Action.
Communication problems won’t just go away, or improve on their own. It takes practice to learn to speak directly and plainly, and to become aware of the messages your body language sends. Get feedback from someone close to you, to help you see yourself as others see you.
The Shults-Lewis counseling staff can help. Ask your church leaders about our Parenting Workshops, or contact us directly. By the way, the first one in the series is all about Communication; the others are about Stress Management, Anger Management and Conflict Resolution.
Bob Kallus is the Director of the Shults-Lewis Family Institute.
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